Evening Sermon

June 29, 2008

Family Life in the Lord, part 2

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There has to be a part 2. Family life in the Lord, part 2. After studying Colossians 3:18 last Sunday night, verse 19 has to follow. The study of the duty of a wife's submission to her husband must be followed by the right and proper restraint placed upon him who is in authority. Submission to authority must be taught, but it must be preached alongside the coordinate duty of the one whom God has put into authority.

Let me repeat what I emphasized last week, that God has placed us in several relationships in which we are called upon to be in submission. Wives to husbands, children to parents, church members to ordained Elders, servants to masters, and citizens to the civil government. God has not ordered mankind to operate in an egalitarian system of authority, in which we all exercise authority together, equally, especially in the home, the church, the workplace, and in the civil realm of governments Yet in each case in which he establishes the exercise of authority, the duty given to the one placed in authority is the duty of restraint.

In the case of a husband and a wife, let me put it this way. The husband, in Scripture, is not given the duty of enforcement. He is not given to power to coerce or to compel obedience. That is different for the civil government, which is given the power of the sword to enforce its authority. Likewise, even, the Elders, who are given the keys of the kingdom of heaven ultimately to exclude from the body of Christ those who rebel against rightful authority. And a father is given the duty to bring up children in the training and admonition of the Lord, which includes the whole matter of discipline.

But a husband has no such power to enforce. Submission is what a wife grants freely, as a matter of her own spiritual faithfulness to the Lord. It cannot be demanded by him, but must be offered by her. Thus a man will necessarily go astray the moment he thinks that he rules his wife the same way he rules his children. According to 1 Timothy 3, a man's rule of his house means that he sees to it that his children are in submission with all reverence, but his rule over his wife has no corresponding duty of compulsion. The wife is called to submit, yes. But the husband is called to love, not to discipline. And no where do we find the duty of enforcing his wife's submission. In fact, quite to the contrary, we have a very definite and particular precaution,

v.19 "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."

So the command given to the husband comes in the negative form, something to avoid. And there is a reason why the command is given in that form, because that is precisely what fallen men are prone to do. We are prone, by our sin, to dominate. To control. To abuse our authority for our own good, to exercise authority such that it brings about the best outcome for ourselves. And we require our wives to submit.

But the Bible knows no such duty to men. A husband's duty is to love his wife in such a way that she are happy!

I commented last week that marriage is in its essence a very simply relationship. The principles are very simple, even if faithfully applying those principles in the practical matters of every day life can become quite complicated. The basic principles are clear. A man is to love his wife by laying down his life for her benefit. And a woman is to honor and respect her husband by living her life for his good. That is the context for the exercise of authority and the duty of submission.

In this regard, most marriage problems have a very simple root cause. Namely, when one partner tries to get the other to do what he or she is supposed to do. When the wife tries to get her husband to love her rightly and when the husband tries to get the wife to honor him properly. The problems come when you focus on what the other person should be doing instead of what God has called you to do.

So husbands, what has God called you to do? I would define it as,

I. THE UNENDING DUTY OF LOVE. This is something you never full accomplish. It is a debt you will never fully repay. It is a task that will never be completed. By definition. Love never ends, love never fails. You can never come to the point in which you are able to say, "I've completed my obligation." Love just doesn't work that way. It is unending, which is why appropriate wedding vows include that commitment, "until death do we part."

We men need that reminder because we tend to be task oriented. We like to finish up one task and move on to another. But love cannot be put into a category like that. It is an obligation and a responsibility that is new every morning, renewed with the arrival of each day. A man is called upon by God to love his wife.

Now, what does that mean? I intend to borrow much from the parallel passage in Ephesians 5 this evening, and you might even want to turn there. Here is the emphasis, I believe, of what a husband's love is all about. Here is the very core, the central focus of that biblical requirement.

A. The willing self-sacrifice of your own life for the object of your love. The willing self-sacrifice of your life. That's love! Not in its essence an emotion or a feeling. Not some sort of personal experience, but a commitment of sacrifice. Willing self-sacrifice. Not exactly how the world defines it, is it? Not exactly how many man exercise it either. Love, by absolute definition, is a self-sacrifice. Loving your wives means, above all else, that you die to yourself. You die to your own interests and desires. You give up your own rights and simply give no thought to your own needs and desires. That's love.

1 Cor. 13:4 "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own."

Love does not seek its own benefit. Love does not seek its own advantage. Rather, love looks entirely and completely toward the benefits and advantages of the beloved, the object of love.

The whole notion of self-love is an absolute contradiction of terms, it is an oxymoron of the highest order. Love, by definition, is a self-denying impulse, in order that those natural affections which seek your own best interests become focused on someone other than yourself.

And so, husbands, you are not merely commanded to love your wives, but to "love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her."

Let me tell you what Jesus did in his love for his church. He died for her. He laid down his life as a sacrifice for the church.

Phil. 2: 7 "[He] made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross."

That's love. And so Paul wrote to those Philippians,

Phil. 2:3 "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."

That's love. If there is any attempt for selfish benefit or profit, then it's not love. If there is anything in it for you, it is not love as fully as Jesus loved the church.

So how do you love your wife? You die for her. Day in and day out, when your interests and desires conflict with hers, you give up your own life for her. You sacrifice your life for her. What's best for her. What she needs from you, not what you feel like giving to her.

That's not very romantic is it? Well, the romance of love isn't the foundation of it. It's just the reward. And it is clearly God's design that the enjoyable romance of love will come most fully when wives genuinely submit to the honor of their husband's authority and when husbands are genuinely and completely willing to lay down their lives for their wives, day after day. When a husband and a wife are busy about those things, there is a great blessing of emotional affection and romance, but it has to begin here. Husbands, the willingness to lay down your life, to give up your lives for your wives.

I could get into all sorts of applications, but those are probably best left for counseling situations. Every woman has different needs, therefore every husband has different responsibilities. But the overarching principle is as clear as clear can be. Self-sacrifice and self-denial.

But more than that, to speak positively. Here a positive duty to men, corresponding to what I said last week about the positive duty to women. It is not enough merely to do enough. It's not enough merely to do your duty, as if you can complete your performance and be finished with that obligation. No, the positive duty for husbands is,

B. The selfless commitment to nourish and cherish the object of your love. Paul tells the Ephesians what a husband is to do,

Eph. 5:28 "So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church."

Nourish means to bring to maturity. To provide all that is necessary for growth and wholeness, all the food and nutrients necessary for health and life. It is a tender and gracious word, perhaps more often associated with women than with men. But a man is to nourish his wife! Not dominate her. Not compel her to be subservient. Not control or manipulate her. But nourish her, that she might be all that she could possibly be.

And he is to cherish her. Literally, to keep her warm. Isn't that a good way to look at it. To keep her warm, in every sense of the word. To cherish her with tender love. To keep her as the apple of his eye, to delight in her, to consider her the most important thing in his whole life. To tenderly promote and protect that which is of most importance to him.

Now, I haven't made anything of a formal study or poll, but it my observation and my conviction that this is the most frequent need that women lack in marriage. It is the most frequent cause of more wide reaching marriage problems. That her husband has failed in this duty of love, the call to cherish her above all else. Other people can become more important. Other activities. Other things. Maybe work. Maybe a hobby or recreation. Maybe even children. And a man who fails to cherish his wife can but only expect to see less of a warmth in her response to him.

To quote the provocative and even sensual words of the Proverbs,

Prov. 5:15 "Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 ...And always be enraptured with her love."

Be enraptured with her love. Delight in her. Rejoice with her, as you did when you first were married. And as Adam did when he was first united to his wife,

Gen. 2:23 And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man."

That's love. Look, then, at the warning Paul gives regarding,

II. THE DANGER OF BITTERNESS. v.19

The emphasis there is not so much your bitterness, husbands, but rather your bitter actions. Do not act bitterly toward your wives. Or, do not be embittered against them. Which is to say, do not create a spirit of bitterness. Do not act in a way that provokes bitterness.

Bitterness is such a dangerous thing, such a deadly weed in the garden of life. We are sufficiently warned in,

Heb. 12:15 "...looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled."

Let me suggest three things that must be avoided for a husband to fulfill this duty of love toward his wife without bitterness. First, there must be no evidence, not even a hint of,

A. The cruelty of harshness. In the worst form, that harshness becomes physical abuse and violence, and is rightly a civil crime punishable by civil offense. My counsel to any woman being abused is very simple and straightforward, go to the civil courts and seek the protection of the civil government, which is God's minister for your good. If the husband is a member of the church, there will be action by the courts of the church, as well, until repentance is expressed and demonstrated to be sincere by genuine change.

It is unconscionable to me that churches would look the other way in matters of physical danger and abuse, particularly when the biblical command to wives is to submit and obey. If she has that obligation before the Lord, the Lord must provide her protection. Which he does. The civil magistrate. And if you are a man who physically abuses your wife, then I will be glad to minister the gospel to you, to pray with and for you, when I visit you in prison.

But short of that sort of abuse, still there is the whole realm of harshness. Domination. Control. Unsympathetic oversight. Careless neglect of physical and/or emotional needs. This is a broad category, and many a man has been guilty in one way or another of acting with harshness in the exercise of his authority.

So the restraint is clear. And direct. And forceful. "Do not be bitter toward your wives." Do not be harsh, do not be overbearing, unjust. And as I said a moment ago, the specific instances will likely depend upon the specific couple, for each one is different. The point is the person in authority must take the responsibility upon himself to see that his exercise of authority is free from the cruelty of harshness.

Men can make themselves look godly, they can make themselves look successful and important, by demanding their wife and children to act appropriately. But if the price to be paid for that so-called success is harsh leadership, then the man is a failure! If you rule with harsh bitterness, you have failed before God.

Related to that, as another form of bitterness, a man must see to it that he never engenders,

B. The despair of exasperation. Exasperation by unreasonable and unrealistic demands. Exasperation by an absence of approval and affection. Exasperation by a lack of time spent together. Exasperation by giving his energy to all the other areas of his life, most especially his work or his recreation, while ignoring even by comparison the needs of his wife and children.

Exasperation means that I am provoked to anger, stimulated to be angry by your negligence or carelessness. And the despair comes because of the position a godly woman is in, that of being called to submission. Her despair is that in seeking to honor her husband, he neglects her. And I clearly have known from my own pastoral experience, that is a very frequent burden for many a godly woman. The despair of exasperation, because of the bitter actions of a man.

A third danger of bitterness would be,

C. The foolishness of insensitivity. So it is that Peter writes to husbands with this one verse,

1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."

Live with your wives according to knowledge. Know them. Know everything there is to know about them. What makes them happy and what makes them sad, what causes tension and what causes peace. Know their dreams, their hurts and pains, know what gives them exhilaration and what causes them depression. Know what's important to them and what is difficult for them.

Know what they need, when they need it, how much and how often. That's love. And that's how you fulfill what you called to do in,

v.19 "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."

With a great goal in mind for all of this.

III. THE GOAL OF LOVE. What you trying to accomplish? Going back to my opening definition of love, those goals cannot be selfish. They cannot be focused upon myself at all, for love is self-sacrifice. Love is self-denial. Love is laying down my own life for your best interests. So what is the goal, then, of a husband's love? First of all,

A. Giving her the gift of honor. Last week we studied the positive duty of a wife giving her husband honor. Respect and even reverence or fear. But a husband is to give honor as well, the honor Peter identifies in,

It is the honor of your strength. The honor of your protection. The honor or your chivalry. The honor of your treating her with deference.

It's why a gentleman treats a lady with the deepest of respect, and if we have lost sense of giving honor in our society, then we have lost a great and valuable thing. How sad it is that that movement in our society that has sought equal rights for women has accomplished far more than what was good. In trying to assert the equality of women in every area of life, even in the exercise of authority, feminism has sought to destroy much of what is good and proper in godly femininity and godly masculinity. A man ought to give the honor of his protection to a woman, the honor of his strength, the honor of his care and oversight. Not because she is essentially inferior to him, and not because he seeks to be demeaning to her. But just the opposite, because it is his duty before the Lord to honor her in that way.

So men, open doors for your wives, not because they are unable to do so, but because you wish to honor them. If something needs carried, if a job needs doing, do it for her, not because she is helpless but because you wish to honor her. Grant her the privilege of going first in line, grant her the honor of being able to sit even it means you have to stand, because you wish to show her that honor. Protect her from whatever scares her and from whatever is difficult for her. If you are able to remove a hardship from her, then do so.

v.19 "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."

Well, now that I have got us all in trouble, let me add one more thing. The final test of a husband's love. The ultimate goal of a man's love for a woman, which is,

B. Making her beautiful. Now, it should go without saying that I am not at all referring to the physical or external marks of beauty, but the more important inward ones. The point is that a man ought to do all that he can do, whatever he can do, to make his wife look good! I don't mean a pretense, an outward show, but a man ought to love his wife to such a degree that she flourishes. His love enables her to abound, to be all that she can be, to use a more worldly expression.

This is how Paul puts it, Eph. 5:26 "...that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish."

How grievous it is when the most difficult matter of a woman's life is pleasing her husband! How badly that reflects upon us as men when the most stressful issues of a woman's life relate to her husband. It is our job as men, by our love, to do what Jesus does for his church, to sanctify and to cleanse. The goal of a husband is not to enjoy his own comfort and happiness, but that he might present his wife a glorious woman, a happy woman, a contented and satisfied woman. A woman satisfied by the love of her husband.

It is the love of a good husband that makes a wife beautiful, because she can then be free from those self-focused insecurities and devote herself to others. A wife contented and satisfied with the faithful love of her husband will easily develop all of those aspects of beauty we discussed last week. So husbands, if you want your wives to have such beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, if you want her to submit to you and obey you, honoring you always, the key is not in the enforcement of your rights. The key is in the demonstration of your love.

The mark of a good leader is one who makes those whom he is leading look good. That's true in the realm of athletics, isn't it? A good coach is one who makes his team look good. A good president is one who makes the country look good. A good business manager is one who makes his employees look good.

So it is with a husband. A good husband enables his wife to be beautiful, because he frees her from all the dangers of bitterness we have identified tonight. A good husband enables his wife to grow in her spiritual maturity, to grow in her faith, by giving her the freedom of his protection and care.

And in the spiritual realm, men, if there is a battle to be fought with Satan, it is you would need to be on the front lines. I believe there was nothing worse about the exercise of family life a generation or two ago than the sense that spiritual things were a woman's responsibility, a mother's job. Oh no, in the spiritual warfare within each of our homes, which includes the raising of children, it is the man who must assume the responsibility of being the general leading his armies.

And if he will, if a man will step up to the plate as God calls him to do, then all those who are under his leadership will be able to flourish.

Is that a high calling? Absolutely. Do any of us measure up? Not a chance. Is that hopeless? No, because with that high standard before us, confident of God's grace in the forgiveness of our sins, we press on.

Phil. 2:12 "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; 13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure."

Phil. 3:12 "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

By God's grace, by the working power of His Holy Spirit within us, let us as men be found faithful within our own homes, more and more conforming to image of Jesus Christ, who loved us and gave himself for us,

Eph. 5:26 "..that He might sanctify and cleanse [us] with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present [us] to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that [we] should be holy and without blemish."

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